President Signs Sweeping Rancher Relief Orders, Grants Himself an Exemption From Staying Awake

Surrounded by a Resolute Desk's worth of cowboy hats, the President put pen to paper on a pair of executive orders aimed at protecting herds from predatory wolves and freeing ranchers to process and sell their own meat — before appearing to protect himself from predatory wakefulness instead. As Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins turned to address him directly, laying out the fine print behind the orders, the Commander-in-Chief's eyes repeatedly sank shut for long stretches, his head dipping before he caught himself and straightened up. Observers noted Rollins seemed to angle her whole body toward him mid-briefing, as if trying to keep a cowboy-hatted room's guest of honor from nodding clean off. The White House says he was blinking; the cattle industry, presumably, remains unbothered either way.

As always: this is satire. The sighting above is fictional and invented for comedic effect. Read the full disclaimer.