Vol. I · No. 1

America's Most Vigilant Nap-Tracking Authority

Is Trump Asleep?

Breaking
BREAKING: Eyelids reportedly 'heavy, the heaviest, everyone is saying it'★DEVELOPING: White House confirms President is 'resting his eyes, aggressively'★ALERT: Pillow approval rating hits all-time high★EXCLUSIVE: Sources say nap was 'tremendous, possibly historic'★UPDATE: Snooze-O-Meter recalibrated after record-breaking week★FLASH: Teleprompter requests hazard pay★BREAKING: President 'building bridges' between church, state, and pillow★BREAKING: Eyelids reportedly 'heavy, the heaviest, everyone is saying it'★DEVELOPING: White House confirms President is 'resting his eyes, aggressively'★ALERT: Pillow approval rating hits all-time high★EXCLUSIVE: Sources say nap was 'tremendous, possibly historic'★UPDATE: Snooze-O-Meter recalibrated after record-breaking week★FLASH: Teleprompter requests hazard pay★BREAKING: President 'building bridges' between church, state, and pillow★

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is he asleep?

There is only one way to know for certain. Shake the official presidential 8-Ball and let fate — and a suspiciously consistent algorithm — reveal the truth.

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8
Sightings Logged
4
Confirmed Naps
31 minutes
Longest Nap
72/100
Avg. Snooze Score

From The Archive

Latest Documented Sightings

President Reportedly Bridges Gap Between Church, State, and Nap
CONFIRMED
File Photo
Jun 26, 2026•The Oval Office

President Reportedly Bridges Gap Between Church, State, and Nap

As a distinguished commission presented its long-awaited report on the separation of church and state, witnesses say the President achieved a separation of his own — between consciousness and the meeting. The Commander-in-Chief's eyes reportedly drifted shut for several minutes while members spoke, prompting officials to insist he was merely engaged in 'prolonged, contemplative blinking.' Aides clarified he was 'building a bridge' — specifically, to dreamland.

Snooze-O-Meter89/100
Duration: ~7 minutesvia A commission member who lost their place in the report
Octagon-Side Doze Caps Off Own 80th Birthday UFC Spectacular
CONFIRMED
File Photo
Jun 15, 2026•Cage-side, White House South Lawn

Octagon-Side Doze Caps Off Own 80th Birthday UFC Spectacular

On the very night meant to honor both America's 250th anniversary and his 80th birthday, the President reportedly slipped into a serene slumber cage-side, separated from the action by mere chain-link. Witnesses say two fighters exchanged a flurry of blows inches away while the guest of honor exchanged a flurry of gentle breaths. Aides described the moment as 'a tactical recovery round.'

Snooze-O-Meter91/100
Duration: ~9 minutesvia A cornerman who lost count of the rounds
Courtside Wave Evolves Into Full Recline at NBA Finals
PROBABLE
File Photo
Jun 8, 2026•Game 3, Madison Square Garden

Courtside Wave Evolves Into Full Recline at NBA Finals

What began as a routine courtside wave reportedly transitioned, frame by frame, into a leisurely lean and finally a contented doze — all while 19,000 fans roared through Game 3 of the Finals. Witnesses say he did not stir, not even for the dunk cam. The seat, observers noted, was 'extremely relaxed.'

Snooze-O-Meter61/100
Duration: ~2 minutesvia A vendor two sections over
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Rigorous Methodology

Each sighting is verified by at least one source who was, allegedly, in the same time zone.

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Round-the-Clock Coverage

Our newsroom never sleeps — a sacrifice we make so we can tell you when someone else does.

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Algorithmic Precision

Our 8-Ball has a 100% accuracy rate, as long as the only acceptable answer is 'probably.'

A quick note from the management: this entire publication is satire. No actual naps were monitored, audited, or harmed in its making. Read the full disclaimer.