President Slashes Childhood Vaccine Schedule, Then Slashes His Own Waking Hours

Moments after signing an executive order to overhaul the childhood vaccine schedule, the President appeared to trial a new schedule of his own: naptime. As Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and NIH Director Jay Bhattacharya elaborated on the fine print behind him, the Commander-in-Chief's eyes drifted shut and his head tipped to one side, holding for several long beats before he caught himself and sat back up. The clip raced across social media, racking up millions of views and reviving the 'Sleepy Don' nickname his own camp once reserved for an opponent. Allies maintained he was simply 'blinking' — a blink, evidently, that outlasted several sentences of vaccine policy.

As always: this is satire. The sighting above is fictional and invented for comedic effect. Read the full disclaimer.